Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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