Got a toothbrush?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I just got carded by a ten year old.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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