if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
