I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
