Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize