I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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