I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
