did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
