I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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