I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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