I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
