a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Randomize
