just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I just want nice things and good sex
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Randomize
