I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
