I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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