When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
i've created a new STD.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
