Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize