i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
