If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
