I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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