listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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