Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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