six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I supernannyed him into submission
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
