This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
