dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
