I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
