she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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