So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
