everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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