At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
