Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
