note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Quick, to the slutcave!
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
