I must be too annoying 4 u.
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Randomize
