Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
