you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize