my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
