I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
