I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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