oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
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