It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Randomize
