I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I think pants incapable of making pants work
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