I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
