Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize