I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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