I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
