Will you blow on my dice?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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