like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
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