I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
