please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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