I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
