Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
