Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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