Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
