Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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