It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
