Already got asked if we're dating
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize