Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Randomize
