dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Randomize
