His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
