I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
