I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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