why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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