There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
