It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
