Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
50% drunk capacity currently
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
