just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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