I have demons in me.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
